Joke019: Dog Commandments


Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat.

Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard.

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking
and popping noises.

Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet.

Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box.

Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she
likes her privacy)

Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if
thou has been offended by me.

Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time.
(thou has been neutered)

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have
company.

Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m.

Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I
am sleeping.


You Need A New Lawyer When...

1. During your initial consultation he tries to
sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a
"Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,
they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing
"duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his
Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack
Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the
defense table.

11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally
McBeal once said ..."

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v.
Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The
judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes
those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

15. The sign in front of his law office reads
"Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells
the judge, "Whatever."

17. He giggles every time he hears the word
"briefs."